in the land of the blind...

sometimes, sight is taken for granted by those who have it. we often overlook the role our eyes play on a daily basis. that is until something goes wrong and causes us to lose that vision. and sometimes, when that happens, it can be hilarious, embarrassing, and, in this case, both.

a younger couple in their 20s came in, boyfriend and girlfriend. the woman held a tissue over her eye, and the boyfriend helped sign her in. they were both blushing and very quiet. so i called them back and brought them to an exam room. only the woman was registered as a patient; the boyfriend was there for support.

I ask the usual questions to get a base for taking vitals, followed by medical history. she answers everything very quietly, can't seem to give me direct eye contact, and clearly has a vision concern. the boyfriend was no better, constantly looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact. i had a feeling whatever they were about to tell me would be good. not good in the way that I wanted there to be a medical emergency, but exciting kind of good. There was no sense of urgency; there was just hesitancy and shyness. it was likely going to be something sexual in nature, as they were young and obviously very timid about whatever the complaint was.

the one eyed woman is queen

well, I now ask the golden question: 'So, what brings us in today?' she can't answer; she tries but goes beat red and points to the boyfriend. he doesn't respond audibly, gets redder in the face as well and just stares at the ground. 'i get it, it's something embarrassing, we're not here to judge you, just to help you.' the boyfriend lifts his head and with a meek, shaky voice explains why she's being seeing. 'well, we were, um.. she was.. it's in her eye.' nothing more needs to be said; the story was told and painted (pun intended) upon the canvas (continued pun intended). 

'i understand, miss, can you take the tissue off your eye, please?' she removes the tissue to reveal a very injected (red) conjunctiva (white part of the eye). it would appear a sizeable amount of semen went into her eye. this caused it to swell and get irritated. 'that's quite red, how much are we talking here? odd question, i know, do you have any vision in that eye?' knowing i solved the puzzle, she was more at ease. 'well, i.. kinda wanted to try something new...' 'got it, how much hit the eye versus the face?' 'that's just it! just the one, um...?' i nod and let them know it's okay; this happens more than they think. i ask if they tried rinsing the eye out before arrival. they said they splashed water on the eye but didn't want to rub it. i let them know i'd be back with the provider.

the royal vision treatment

i must've walked out of that room with the biggest grin on the brink of laughter. the first thing i hear upon exiting, 'ok, this is going to be good; what's going on?' i'm asked. 'oh yeah, it's good, let me walk over.' i explain the situation and the provider, a woman doctor, breaks down laughing. she tried to silence it as best she could though i'm not convinced they didn't hear it in the room. 'looks like i'll have to do more than just fix her eye, he needs better aim and she needs to align her target better.' not the response i was expecting, but hey, i wasn't expecting this vision story either. i wasn't even going to get involved in asking her anymore. 

so we go into the room with a morgan lens (device to put over the eyeball to rinse it with saline) and saline. She places it on the counter. 'hi there, i'm the doc, which makes you *she points to the boyfriend* the stormtrooper with his aim and you *points to the girlfriend* the one who never did this before.' i just stood there in mild shock trying my hardest not to laugh as she walked over and looked at the woman's eye. 'you're young, i get it, don't try and replicate porn, this is what happens. we need to flush your eye with some sterile water and i'll stain it to make sure it's all out.' i never saw two people go so red in my life, it was impressive, a comic crimson red. After the procedure was done, it was determined that the eye was successfully flushed and that they were ready for discharge.

a lesson learned about vision

i went back in and had her come read from the snellen chart to make sure her vision was equal in both eyes. 'ok, we're good, you guys are all set to go.' they both looked at me and thanked me quietly. as they were walking out the doc popped her head up, 'work on your pitching and you work on your catching.' and to my surprise, the girlfriend responds 'i'll close my eyes and open wider next time!' and they ran out of the office.

read up more on vision problems and treatment to seek for them here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/first-aid/first-aid/basics/art-20056645