pulmonary emboli and the great rumbling

some people self diagnose before coming to urgent care. some patients rely heavily on the media, internet and friends to diagnose. and then there's some people who just come up with diagnoses. such is the case of this story, a self inventor and fully bought into the invention beyond reason.

a mid-30's woman, well nourished and not in acute distress to discuss a persistent cough over one week. not out of the ordinary, though it would end on anything but. upon having her sit to begin taking vitals and history, the adventure began. she had covid several times, multiple pneumonias and separate incidents of pulmonary embolism. i asked if she wanted to do a covid test to which she immediately said yes, convinced she had covid. she followed that with asking about the monoclonal antibody treatment at the hospitals. i informed her it was no longer a treatment, that other therapeutics have replaced it. well, that didn't go well.

she immediately went frantic, stating that it's the only way to cure her. it didn't matter that the current variants of covid were not treated with monoclonal therapy. the next line from her mouth is what made me just stop and say 'i'll be back with the doctor.' she stated, and quite confidently that she had pulmonary emboli, right then, racing and rumbling in her lungs and she could feel them moving. a pulmonary embolism is a blood clot in the lungs, it's life threatening; it cannot be felt and certainly not in the way she described.

so, i tell the doctor about our patient. he looks at me, sighs and says 'well, now i have to deal with her, thanks.' i laughed and wished him luck. ten minutes later he emerges, defeated. 'she took out a fucking bible and told me she prayed away a heart attack and asked me to pray her covid away. i told her i'm jewish and left the room. you were right, she's certifiable and does not have covid.' and so, the story of racing pulmonary emboli became a regular tale of excitement, i always hedge my bets on #5 winning.